when the odds are against you

Honestly, this thing with Chip, I don't want to sound as if I'm too good for him or anything. Its just... I'm really not sure how to go about it. I feel like I'm in no man's land with him. Something kind of like it. I just don't know where I exactly stand with him. Not like he's made all over me or anything. For all I know there is someone who just makes him swoon out there, and its not me.

Its not me.

I think back in first grade about this guy who really had it bad for me. I mean, I knew. He'd bring me candy all the time. He was just too nice. Sickening, in fact. Always wanting to hold my hand and always making over me. He'd tie my shoes since I didn't really know how. My mom had let me go barefooted all summer and well, that's another story.

Anyway, back to Hans in first grade who was blond, blueberry eyed. Who could ask for more? Right? It seems... I into cool dude Raheem at the time. I so dreaded Hans. It was like he had this other girl in his head, that I wasn't. And I didn't want to be that little princess, either. So I went to this big heavy duty basketball game with my Dad and who would be there? Hans. So I acted like I didn't know him. I told him he must be mistaken. I had no idea who he was talking about, because it was not me. Needless to say, I fixed that.

Now he's like King of sports. Just not at my school. And I'm pretty sure if he remembered me, he would not talk to me.

So back to kind sweet Chip who might really be the Frog prince. He does like frogs and toads. I listened to him talk about the differences, but I'm still not sure if I know the difference. Besides that, it was a really nice lunch. I guess. We shared the hoagie my Mom made and his corn chips.

I know I should say.."Look, Chip, I'm not even really listening to you. I've got a lot on my mind right now. You doing anything for homecoming?"

But I didn't. I just listened to more about the toad he caught and how its living in their garden now.

"So you know I can only go to homecoming with you, just friends, right?" I blurted out. It came out so painful.  I winced so hard. This is hard.

"I wasn't really thinking of going." He looked at me as if HOMECOMING was not in his vocabulary.

"What? Seriously, are you kidding me?" I have to smile. I don't want to see him sad.

"I don't exactly dance." He shrugged.

"You do to." I don't believe him for a second.

"Really, my Mom forbids it when she can. I have no rhythm." He sighed.

"Well, then, you have to go with Sasha  because she's got enough rhythm for all of us." I smiled as if this was his lucky day. "See we were going to go together with this friend of mine who could drive us. It'll be fun. Really."

Suddenly, I feel I have to make this a big night for him. I just have too.